Is it selfish to hide in my dreams? Am I a fool to shield myself from the things I can not control? I was taught to be strong. I was taught that others come first and that rest should be far and few in between. When I come late at night, and my body aches seep in as I lie on my soft bed, I think, will it always be like this? There is more to do. But there always is and always will be. I am a makeshift adult. I stumble around my responsibilities like a toddler learning to walk. Suddenly, I am supposed to carry the weight of maturity and competence. I wish to hide from this. I wish to spend my days putting my nose to books, smelling all the years they have taken me into their folds and kept me safe. Now I have no time to hide. The glare of reality and adulthood blinds me from being able to see the pages of my favorite stories. As I chase the American dream, I wonder, is this my dream? Is this what will have me lying down, taking my final breaths, thinking, I am satisfied? No, I know it is not. 

So as I juggle the grief of growing and the expectations of my future, I will make sure my soul is not disregarded. I will have pink hair and sparkles glued to my teeth. I will giggle in professional settings, and I will not be apologetic. I will be honest in every situation. I will read poetry and philosophy and know that there have always been words out there, translating the aches in my heart. I will refuse to be anyone but myself in every situation. Authenticity and wonder will be my superpowers. If I must work, if I must struggle, if pain continues to persist, I will not let it change me. I will learn to sway with the winds that I can not see, but I will never bend. 

I am not selfish to stay in my dreams, I am not foolish to protect the ever-growing peace deep within. Because in the dark at night when it is quiet, I will be grateful to be resting and not anxious about the what-ifs. Because whenever I must take my leave from this life, I will know I always lived by my own terms. That is my dream. That was the dream that has always been inside me. I will not wait for joy to find me. I will not wait for someone to love me. I will kindle the joy within me, and I will love myself. 

The greatest joy in my life is knowing who I am. And knowing that everything I am is worth being proud of. 

I do not desire riches. I do not want power or status. I want to walk quietly through my days, taking time to feel the sun on my skin and watching my smile lines deepen. I want to laugh every day. I want others to feel my love and appreciation for the life surrounding me, and pull them in. I want the sun to shine in my home. I want to write and read and make others listen. I want everyone I meet to leave a little less alone. It may not be an exciting life. And I may die with few missing me. But it will have been mine, and that will be enough.

-Sarah Cannon, 2025.